Exchanging my Regret for our Gift
Guys. We are just 1 week’ish away from baby being here. I can’t believe it! He’s moving around like crazy and causing me to pee every hour but even with the interrupted sleep and my terribly slow waddle, I am FINALLY, finally at a place where I feel ready to welcome him at his birth. Let me explain.
As most of you know, this sweet baby was a ‘whoops’. We didn’t mean to get pregnant. And because of that reason, this pregnancy has been the most emotional pregnancy I’ve had. It took me several months just to be able to accept this pregnancy, and that’s where it stopped. I couldn’t seem to reach the point to where I could say I was genuinely excited about this pregnancy.
And for that reason, we asked a dear friend of ours who is an incredible pray-er, to come over a couple Fridays ago and pray over us. Even though we were 37 weeks along, I still felt such a need for healing over how this pregnancy started and my emotions towards it all. Our friend K has prayed over us before, and I don’t think I’ve ever had dry eyes whenever she’s prayed. She’s just that powerful.
Well, that Friday’s night prayer led me to full-out weeping. God used her to speak to the most hurting and aching parts of my heart in regards to this pregnancy. K asked if I was able to sum up my pregnancy and emotions in one word from the past 8+ months, and the word that came to mind was:
And, guys, it is not easy typing that out and admitting that out loud. It seems so cruel for a loving mother to feel that way about a precious unborn child, but it’s honestly how I have felt these past several months. Just a heavy weight of wishing I could go back and change things (aka: not get pregnant).
But during our prayer time, God met me there – in the midst of me holding the word Regret in my hands. And he offered to exchange it for a word in his hands – the word Gift. Tears immediately started rolling down my cheeks as that word hit the deepest part of my soul. I had yet to view my pregnancy or this child as a gift, but how badly I wanted to! So we did it… we did the exchange. No longer was I holding the word Regret in my hands but ever so gingerly I was holding this new word Gift and I couldn’t stop looking at it with such awe and adoration.
And something happened in that moment. Somehow and in some way I felt this release… this permission to be able to move past the Regret part and into the future with this child – freedom to dream about the person he’ll become and the impact he’ll have on this world. It was such a unique place to be after all these months of just focusing on the past and how I wish I could change things.
As a result, I was finally able to pull out baby’s journal, tear off the packaging, and sit down and write to him in it. This may seem small, but it is huge for me. I have a journal for both our girls as well as our future adopted baby, and I started writing in all 3 of these the moment I either found out I was pregnant or decided we were going to adopt. It’s one of my favorite things about being a Mom – that I will be able to give my children the gift of these journals that have my heart and soul poured out into them.
But for this baby… his journal’s been tucked away as I just had nothing to write to him. I didn’t know where to start, and my emotions were too heavy and serious and slightly negative for me to want to risk writing anything I’d regret later on.
But that Friday night… I was able to take out his beautiful blue journal, and for the first time, begin to scribble out my love for him. It was a powerful moment, a healing moment, where, for the first time, I could see this baby as a gift and thus begin to feel excitement to grow within me.
*Sweet baby boy, I know it’s been a bumpy 9 months, but please know, Mommy loves you and can’t wait to hold you in my arms and pull you to my chest where I will snuggle and kiss you into the wee hours of the night. You are precious and ever-so-patient with your mama-to-be – thank you. I truly do love you.*
So here’s to the last week of our pregnancy – may it be filled with laughter, joy, and growing excitement over baby’s arrival. You are loved, sweet son!